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Friday, August 27, 2021

When you hate the other, you really hate yourself


Have you ever disliked a person or a group of persons so much that you are convinced they have a vendetta against you? This could be a case of psychological projection. Projection is a defence mechanism in which people believe that feelings that occur in them are in fact displayed by others.

A child who pushes others on the playground may feel like he/she is the one constantly being attacked. A couple that gets divorced may be convinced the other partner is cheating on them without any evidence. They may have performed such actions themselves or considered it or seen it performed by others; it validates their worst fears. So also, we find anger in others when we have anger in ourselves. Try to be sarcastic to a child and they will only look puzzled or laugh or take it literally because they don’t know what sarcasm is. It’s only when you have a mirror to the rage that it resonates.

Projection also works in larger groups, like families, communities, religions and nations. Communities that fear the loss of jobs become afraid of immigrants and convinced they are the ‘cause’ or responsible for taking these away even if the data doesn’t indicate it. It becomes a commonly held fear that then seeks out validation in fundamentalist leaders or skewed news reports. Families that share a common source of income tear apart when one part of the family does better than the other. The internal fear skews the power balance that now searches for points of validation, sees slights, takes offence, and latches on to any available cause.

Projection impacts our ability to see the situation as it really is. In fact, the other part of the family may be making better choices, be more cautious investors, or spending frugally in some areas where there are great savings to help them be better off financially. However, when we generalise ‘them’ as the ‘cause’ of one’s own diminishing share, we fail to inquire into what specific actions they are doing differently. Instead of asking how we could change our methods of earning, saving, investing or living, we generalise ‘them’ as plotting against ‘us’. The ‘hate’ for them and the belief that ‘they are against us’ is easier than having to look at oneself. Why? Because then one would have to actually make a change.

Perhaps a particular community is hard working, has stronger family ties and easily inducts their own children, nieces, nephews into the business, thus cutting labour costs. Maybe they also support each other materially, help each other relocate, train, acquire skills and thus have retained well-guarded techniques of business knowhow.

Instead of emulating them, it’s easier to pick the most commonly visible characteristics of the group. Let’s, for argument’s sake, say they are all tall, and say ‘all tall people take away our jobs’. When actually it’s ‘all the people who train and work and support each other in this way get more opportunities and make the most of them’.

The first allows us to blame, the second forces us to compare our methods of working. We can’t do anything about the first, we will have to re-evaluate our methods with the second. The first gives us somewhere to put our emotions of despair, insecurity, fear, inadequacy, i.e., an object of blame. The second requires us to take responsibility. We project because it is easier than making a personal change.

Projection is a defence mechanism explained by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, who founded person-centred therapy and worked in conflict resolution across Russia, Central America and South America, believed in two principles applicable across individuals and groups:

1) that every person has the ability to self-actualise 

2) this can be achieved in the right climate.

Rogers believed all human relationships can be made harmonious. His techniques involved listening, clarification and seeking congruence. Congruence happens when self-worth (how we think about ourselves), self-image (how we see ourselves with our peer groups), and the ideal self (how we wish to see ourselves in the future) overlap. We come to harmony. When we are constantly focused on how others do things and do not look to resolving ourselves, we remain at conflict.

 Chanpreet Khurana, MC

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